caligurl4life

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

Leave people alone

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

Gang violence

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

Not now, bowels!

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

Today, whilst driving to the store, an idiot driver found it to be okay to drive ridiculously fast in below freezing temperatures on the ice and snow. As he passed my car, I angrily gave him the finger. And then I realized I was wearing mittens. FML

Weird parenting

Today, I learned that I'm not really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

The Voice

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk, saying, "Shut the fuck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML