Mademoiselle Somewhere in the Middle, USA 28 ans En couple
Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML
Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML
Today, while swimming in the ocean, I felt some sand under my wedding ring. I took it off for a second, and got hit by a huge wave. My ring is now lost somewhere in the ocean. FML
Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of a gunshot, followed by children screaming. I leapt out of bed and ran to my balcony, only to see people casually milling around the elementary school parking lot under a "Science Fair" banner. A kid's science experiment scared me shitless. FML
Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she'd been sleeping with him. FML
Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light, she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are." FML
Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML
Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML
Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML
Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML
Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML
Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML
Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML
Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML
Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML
Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML
Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML
Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML
Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML
Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML
Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML
Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML
Today, I found out that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML
Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML
Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brother's girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML
Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML
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