Mademoiselle Somewhere in the Middle, USA 28 ans En couple
Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML
Today, I found out my boss and some employees on my floor have bets placed on who can get the best picture of my ass. I found out when one of the pictures was accidentally sent to me. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML
Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML
Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML
Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML
Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML
Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML
Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML
Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML
Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML
Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML
Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML
Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML
Today, I came home from work to be given $1 by my mother. This normally would have been nice, had my mother not said, "I just sold that ugly old black and white picture frame you always leave lying around in your room." Which also would have been nice if that "frame" wasn't my Kindle. FML
Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML
Today, I was excited to get my first writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML
Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML
Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML
Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML
Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML
Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML
Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML
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