Today, it's my 30th birthday. I was having a great night until I overheard my mother say, "I can't believe that thing made it to 30." FML
Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that it is possible to sunburn the soles of your feet. FML
Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I was in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML
Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML
Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML
Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML
Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Halfway through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend home, and I introduced him to my parents. Afterwards, I took him to my room so we could have some "bonding" time. Right as things got pretty intense, I heard my dad yell, "Stop faking, honey." FML
Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML
Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML
Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML
Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML
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