Mademoiselle 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours, while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up, my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML
Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML
Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML
Today, my boyfriend and parents went out to dinner. As we started the meal, my boyfriend proposed and the restaurant burst into applause. My mother said without hesitation and a large scowl, "If you say yes, I'm leaving." FML
Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML
Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML
Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML
Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML
Today, I went to my Russian language class after days of being sick. We must speak in Russian. The professor asked how I felt. I said "like shit." I didn't know the word I used was the verb, not the noun. So I told an awesome prof and class I was "feeling like I was in the process of defacating." FML
Today, my English teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet, I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML
Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML
Today, while I was in confession telling my sins to the priest, he called me a "pain in the ass." FML
Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML
Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML
Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML
Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said, "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML
Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, while sleeping, I heard an explosion. My neighbor then knocked on my door and informed me that he had just hit my car with shrapnel from a cannon. Not only do I not have a car to drive, but I also have to put this claim on my insurance due to my neighbor being on welfare. FML
Today, someone wearing dark grey clothes thought it would be a good idea to run in front of my car in the pouring rain. I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop before I'd have turned him into a blood sprinkler. Unfortunately, the person behind me didn't. FML
Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML
Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML
Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML
Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
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