Monsieur Beverly Hills, United States of America 36 ans
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML
Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML
Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML
Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML
Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML
Today, I had an interview for an internship at an independent lawyer's office. Hoping to increase my chances of being hired, I dressed up sexily with a short skirt, high heels, and ample cleavage. Turns out his wife handles the interviews. FML
Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML
Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML
Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML
Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I found out that getting caught in a barbed wire fence isn't as bad as it sounds. Running through a forest at night, tripping over one, rolling down an embankment, and getting swiped by a car, however, is. FML
Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML
Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML
Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML
Today, on my way to a concert, some guy told me I had cool sunglasses. I was about to thank him until he punched me in the face. I woke up with no sunglasses and no ticket. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML
Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML
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