Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML
Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML
Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML
Today, I was walking along when I saw this girl kissing her boyfriend. I thought to myself, "I wish I had a boyfriend like that…" I'm a guy, and straight. At least I thought I was. FML
Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML
Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML
Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML
Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML
Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her Twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML
Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML
Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML
Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML
Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML
Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML
Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year-old." FML
Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob was called. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML
Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML
Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML
Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML
Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML
Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML
Today, I got my license. Instead of congratulating me, my buddies created a betting pool for when I get into a serious accident. Thanks for the support. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML
Today, I had a chest X-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML
Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML
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