Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML
Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML
Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML
Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML
Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML
Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML
Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML
Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML
Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML
Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "Happy Birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML
Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML
Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML
Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML
Today, my boyfriend was coming home after a month of being away. When I heard him knock on the door, I rushed to open it and jumped into his arms for a hug. It wasn't him; it was the mailman. FML
Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML
Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML
Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML
Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML
Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML
Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML
Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said, "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML
Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML
Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML
Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML
Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML
Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument, which resulted in her begging for a divorce, and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML
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