Monsieur Intarwub, NJ, USA
Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML
Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML
Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML
Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML
Today, I was at my friend's house and accidentally blew out a candle that was supposed to be lit for seven days straight. It was in honor of her grandmother who had recently died. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML
Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML
Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML
Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML
Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML
Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML
Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML
Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML
Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML
Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML
Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML
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