alex_622

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

Word to the wise

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

Forget me not

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML