Monsieur Van Buren, United States 32 ans Célibataire
Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time." He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML
Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML
Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML
Today, my dad gave me a speech about being gay. He said he'll accept me if that's who I truly am, but he wants me to think it over first. I'm an actor in a play. I had to explain the concept of wearing costumes and acting like someone else to him. For the third time. FML
Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML
Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML
Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML
Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML
Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML
Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML
Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak… from the sewage line. FML
Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML
Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML
Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML
Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML
Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML
Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML
Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML
Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML
Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML
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