Travnks

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

Great conversation starter

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

Boys will be boys

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of four years through a speech that took me three weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML