Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML
Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML
Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML
Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML
Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark, only to discover it was poop. After further investigation, I found out my younger sister had been wearing them and "experimenting". FML
Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML
Today, I farted so loudly I not only woke myself up, but my husband as well. He mistook my gas for someone trying to break in and insisted on checking the whole house. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. I worked my ass off planning everything down to a T. It seemed perfect, until I actually proposed, at which point I was rejected and dumped, in front of my family, friends and two coworkers. FML
Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML
Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML
Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML
Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML
Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML
Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML
Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say, "Nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. It took me three months to figure that out. FML
Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML
Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML
Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML
Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML
Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML
Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML
Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML
Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML
Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML
Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML
Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML
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