Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML
Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML
Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML
Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML
Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML
Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML
Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML
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