baby4mommy

Let's go for a walk

Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

Are you lost?

Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

Today, at a quiet restaurant, my stepdad loudly told me he hopes in the future they have "hover caskets" so he doesn't have to carry my "fat ass" to the grave. All because I didn't want a side salad. FML

Today, I realized how cheap I am when I blacked out at a water park and some one yelled "Call 911!" I tried to mutter out "No, that's too expensive!" FML

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

O face

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

Stud

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered, "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

Celebrity lookalike

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

Noob

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

Backfire

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

Today, I found out my wife confided in a coworker that she wants to sleep with him, because our marriage is loveless and sexless. News to me. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

Get me out

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

Today, my grandmother yelled at me for driving erratically. I was "driving" in a video game. FML

Bad tipper, good shitter

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML