Mademoiselle 36 ans Célibataire
Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML
Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML
Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML
Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML
Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML
Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML
Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML
Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML
Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML
Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horseshit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML
Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML
Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML
Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML
Today, at a party, I told a joke to my crush. He didn't even smile. An hour later, I heard my model friend tell the exact same joke to him. He said it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. FML
Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML
Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "Happy Birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML
Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML
Today, it was my twenty-first birthday, and a couple of friends took me out to celebrate. After ordering us shots throughout the night, my friends took off abruptly, leaving me with my very first bar tab. FML
Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML
Today, the girl I dumped three years ago because she wouldn't take my band seriously is now a successful and rich environmental scientist. Meanwhile, I'm still unemployed, living with my parents, and can barely remember how to play a guitar. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
