lexiemae97

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Yes problem

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

Pay attention

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

Tetchy

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML