Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML
Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML
Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML
Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML
Today, I realised I've been depressed about my recent break up for longer than the relationship even lasted. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML
Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML
Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML
Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML
Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML
Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML
Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML
Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML
Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML
Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML
Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML
Today, after hours of organizing and spending around $300 for my three-year-old's birthday party, I realized I forgot to send out the invitations. FML
Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML
Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML
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