Today, my husband confessed his pregnancy fetish to me, and now wants me to wear a fake belly when we have sex. FML
Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML
Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML
Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML
Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML
Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML
Today, I donated blood. Afterwards, I regained consciousness on the floor with a half-eaten cookie in my mouth. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML
Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML
Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It's the only test I've passed all month. FML
Today, my boyfriend got on one knee and started talking about how we met. Knowing what was coming, I started tearing up, absolutely sure he was going to propose. Just as I was about to say yes, he quickly stood up and yelled "HAH, JUST KIDDING". FML
Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML
Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML
Today, I held the door for an elderly woman. As she walked through, she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother, and yes, I'm straight. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML
Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML
Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML
Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML
Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML
Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML
Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML
Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML
Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML
Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML
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