Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML
Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML
Today, I caught my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML
Today, instead of pushing me away or simply stopping for a minute, my girlfriend kept kissing me as she was trying to get phlegm out of her throat. The slimy goo ended up in the back of my mouth. I can still taste it. FML
Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML
Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML
Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML
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