Crystal55621

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

Today, there is an annual solar eclipse. As I was buying the last pair of solar glasses to watch the eclipse with, some jerk snatched them out of my hands and bolted off with them. I now have to make the decision between watching the eclipse and not going blind. FML

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

Just checking

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML

Sounds nice

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

Inappropriate

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

Stolen valor

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

Ain't it funky

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML