Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML
Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML
Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML
Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML
Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with, "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML
Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML
Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, I went to the hospital with a broken hand. They gave me a cast and some prescription pain medication. The only problem is that the bottle of medication is child-proof, I live alone and I can't open it with one hand. FML
Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML
Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML
Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML
Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML
Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML
Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML
Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML
Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML
Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML
Today, I have my first university lecture on lab safety. Having gone out the night before with my house-mates, I have the worst hangover of my life, and have to listen for an hour and a half while they loudly demonstrate the types of alarms we'll hear in different kinds of emergencies. FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, I spent over 20 minutes trying to convince my daughter that the word she was trying to use was "Back-pack" and not "Back-back". I never convinced her. She is 16 years old. FML
Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML
Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML
Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML
Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML
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