jayyboi2010

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

*Banjo starts playing in the background*

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

Superfuzz Big Muff

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

Cost of living crisis

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

Uh oh

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

Lonely boy

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

Today, I was shopping, when a man pointed at me and said to his friend, "Her. She's the one." He replied, "Yes, she'll do fine." I'm scared. FML