jayyboi2010

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

Pleased to meet you

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

As a treat

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

Today, for the tenth time, my teacher made a misbehaving student sit next to me as punishment. He begged for detention instead. FML

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

Today, I saw my long-distance boyfriend for the first time in 8 months. He dumped me on the spot because I was "uglier" than he remembered. FML

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I held the door for an elderly woman. As she walked through, she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother, and yes, I'm straight. FML