Monsieur Paramount, USA 34 ans
Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend about yesterday, where he told me how much he loved me, and he wishes we lived closer. I asked him if he really meant it. Turns out he was drunk, and had no idea what he was talking about. FML
Today, my four year old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML
Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML
Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML
Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML
Today, I found out that the "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML
Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML
Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML
Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML
Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML
Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML
Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML
Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML
Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML
Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML
Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML
Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML
Today, whilst I was working in McDonald's, a customer threw their Quarterpounder at me because it had pickles and he said he didn't want any pickles in his burger. I didn't even serve him. I'd just started my shift. FML
Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. Fifteen minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML
Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML
Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML
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