dramaelf

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

Slick move

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said, "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

Today, I saw that Pixar had put out a teaser trailer for Toy Story 3. I got so excited to watch it that had to go lay in bed for a few minutes in order to calm myself down. I'm 19 years old. FML

Let down

Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

Today, I was at the Polish border when I found my passport was gone. I contacted the last place I stayed at and the owner said he would handle it. I reluctantly agreed as I was being charged international rates. Apparently, "taking care of it" means telling the embassy I'm retarded. FML

Freakout time

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

Riverdale

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

Play along

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turned sexual. He stopped responding but I continued with the conversation. Then I got a response, "This is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff." FML

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

Bye bye

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

Squirt

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

Good sport

Today, I found out that my fifty five year-old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend, saying ,"I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML

Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

Crazy

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

TMI

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

Today, after a costly fix for my brakes that failed a while back as I was going down a hill, I found a $130 bill in the mail attached to a speed camera photo of me shitting myself. FML

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML