andreameza0

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

What were you thinking?

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

Today, I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to sneak up on my sister to silly-string her. FML

Double standard

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

Nice try, Steve

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML

MOM!

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML