Bikini Bottom, Narnia
Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML
Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML
Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML
Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML
Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML
Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML
Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML
Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML
Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML
Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML
Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML
Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML
Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML
Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML
Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML
Today, while walking around the local thrift store, I noticed an attractive guy watching me and following me through the aisles. As he followed me to my car I was sure I would get his number. He then asks me to bring my purse inside as I had been tagged as a shoplifter. I work at the store. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML
Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML
Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML
Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML
Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML
Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know…" FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
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