bellaxxdark98

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

Today, my mom scolded me for not taking driving lessons already. This comes a few days after she told me that, "Allowing teenagers to drive is just another way of thinning out the gene pool". FML

Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

Classic

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

I’m going on an adventure!

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

Today, while jogging in the park, I saw a man acting strange and trying to talk to 3 little girls. I jogged over to their mother and warned her about a 'weirdo' lurking around her daughters. Turns out that 'weirdo' is the woman's disabled brother. FML

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

Chips

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt… into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

Mass effect

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

Know your place

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked, "Women's weights room." Oh. FML

No thanks

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex-boyfriend, who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML