foxhead128

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

Communication tool

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

Roleplay

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML

Nice try, Mom

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

That's one way to start the weekend

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

Multitasking

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

Nomnom

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

Gotcha

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML