dmoney3000

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML