crossonmynecklac

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

Masterful gambit

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

Make your mind up

Today, my girlfriend freaked out on me because I answered her call on the first ring. According to her, it implies that I'm desperate, always horny, and just want her for the sex. Just last week she got pissed because I waited three rings to answer. Apparently that means I'm cheating on her. FML

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

Awkwaaaaaaard

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

Today, was the first day of my sophomore year. While receiving my schedule, I burst into tears at the sight of a disfigured midget. I'm now seen as the school bitch for making fun of a midget. I have a genuine fear of midgets. FML

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Rewarding

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

Today, at work, a coworker started to tell me about his weekend, without me even asking. Halfway through his story, I started to daydream and lost track of time. Bored, I told him, "Hey man, I'll call you back, I've got to get back to work." Then I remembered I wasn't on the phone. FML

Toilet trouble

Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML