nicoleeeL

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

Panic on the streets of somewhere

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

Panic!

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cops laughed at me. FML

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

No joking please

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

Sorry, I…

Today, I had to blow my nose. Trying to be a considerate roommate, I tiptoed over to the bathroom in the dark, which would have been fine, if I hadn't tripped over a chair and crushed the art project that she's been working on for the past month. FML

Today, after some filing mistakes, and a lot of waiting on hold, I'm finally registered for Spring classes. I was ready to enjoy this term, until I found out that my ex, who was forced into therapy after he threatened to kill me, is in half of my classes. FML

Mucus factory

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus, or blowing blood. FML

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

FREAKOUT!

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

Smooth

Today, I was in the cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

Today, I was talking to a co-worker about birth control. Ten minutes later, I went to my sent e-mails to copy and reuse an old e-mail and realized I had sent "I tried calling you but your birth control is not working" to a student. It was supposed to say "voicemail". FML

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

See ya

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

Slippin' and a slidin'

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML

Definitely memorable

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

Whatcha do when they come for you?

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

Wrong un

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML