Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML
Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML
Today, I discovered that instead of being a harmless way to relax after a rough day, parking in an empty lot apparently means you are either dealing drugs or want to commit suicide. I was detained, my car was searched and I was grilled about my happiness. Great stress relief, eh? FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I learned that I'm not really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML
Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML
Today, I was woken up by my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and "Sweet 16" balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I'll be 17. FML
Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML
Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML
Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML
Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML
Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML
Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML
Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML
Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML
Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML
Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML
Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML
Today, I went to a concert. I got into a fist fight with a drunk girl. My older brother tried to pull me away from her by holding both my arms back. I spent the last half of the concert in the hospital because I couldn't shield my face. FML
Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML
Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML
Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'Cutie' or 'Beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML
Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML
Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML
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