Monsieur Denver, United States 32 ans Célibataire
Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML
Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML
Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML
Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML
Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. In tears, I called my best friend and told him everything. He responded with one or two-word answers throughout, but I felt better all the same. That is, until I heard him begin to take a loud piss half-way through my sentence. FML
Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML
Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML
Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML
Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML
Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML
Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML
Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML
Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML
Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML
Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML
Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML
Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML
Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
Today, it's my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted out, "You too!" FML
Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML
Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for dinner. The first words out of my dad's mouth were apparently, "Ah, you must be Dan's slam-piece." I was in the living room and didn't quite catch it all, but I said, "She certainly is!" Now I'm single, and all my friends think I'm a bastard. FML
Today, I called my doctor from my office. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed, "I definitely prefer oral." FML
Today, I was having a funny conversation with a guy I had met on Xbox. I told him the state I lived in, and he said, "Don't tell me that, I might stalk you." He wasn't kidding. He has somehow found out my phone number, and my address. He says he's going to send me flowers. FML
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