CaptainNap124

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

Biker down

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Am I being detained?

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

Sucker

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

Confidently incorrect

Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

You learn something new every day

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML