missluca1994

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, I was driving in stop and go traffic and passed two accidents in the process. I got nervous and decided to change routes to avoid getting hit. As I was trying to find an alternative route on my GPS, I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

Gagging for it

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

Heated debate

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

Bored

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

Tense

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

Treat yourself

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML

Today, my friends dared me to answer the door naked for the pizza guy. I heard the doorbell but when I answered, it was the little boy from next door participating in a fundraiser. FML

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

Upon reflection

Today, my boyfriend of six years proposed to me. Less than three hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

Last Christmas

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML