OnlyNeko

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

Today, at work I did inventory with my boss. He did the top shelves and I did the bottom ones. By the end, my knees were dirty and sore. I went home and my roommate asked me how my day went. I absent-mindedly said, "My boss had me on my knees all day." He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Today, a pharmacist slut-shamed me for taking birth control. I'm still a virgin, and I only take those pills to help with my acne and period cramps. FML

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML

Chirping

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

Be true to your team

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

Denial

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

Wandering

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

Hidden secret

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML