peppygrl123

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

Creepy and spooky

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend what she got me for my half birthday, to which she replied "A baby." She was serious. FML

WHO ARE YOU?

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "My Sex Life". FML

Polite

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

What ARE you doing?

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

Today, I was burgled while I was on the toilet. FML