sweetdiva97

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

Today, my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. FML

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

Cheapskate

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

Today, I wanted to do something special for my upcoming second anniversary with my girlfriend, so I decided to make a short animation of our lives together since we were preschoolers. In the middle of working on the storyboard, she called and broke up with me. FML

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

Terrible prank

Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

That's more than I asked for

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML