Toronto, Canada
Today, after getting an expensive haircut, I showed it to my boyfriend. Instead of saying, "Wow, those bangs look great on you" he said, "Wow, you look really good when you don't show your forehead." FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I ran into a police officer while on my bike. It wouldn't be so bad, had he not been riding a massive horse. FML
Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML
Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by sending me a text. She was sitting right beside me on a 10 hour car trip, and there was still 6 more hours to go. FML
Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML
Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML
Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML
Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML
Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML
Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML
Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML
Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5. FML
Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML
Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML
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