carpediem254

Thanks, Mom

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

Give it away

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Gullible

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

Resting bitch face

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

Good night!

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

Fart wars

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

Turned on

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

Some taken

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

Who you gonna call?

Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML

The strangeness of strangers

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML