Mapholisto

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Weird flex, but OK

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML

Thanks, I feel better

Today, my dad took me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

Just a tad

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

Will youuuuuuu ?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

Help yourselves

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5. FML

Needy baby

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

Today, at the Mommy and Me dance class that I take my four year old daughter to, the instructor had us do a stretch, telling us to pretend we're mermaids. My daughter said to me, "But you're not a mermaid, you're a whale!" FML

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

Natural

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

Blogged up

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

Boys will be boys

Today, my 5 year-old twin boys decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

Poetry in politics

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

You tried

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML