cocogirlsrock4

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

The Voice

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said, "Turn around." It was her. FML

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML

Hefty

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

Caught in a lie

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with, "Liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

We are the 99%

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML