Monsieur 28 ans
Today, my new iPhone was stolen from my school locker. After canceling my service, sobbing, having my mom yell at the secretary for their lack of security and finally agreeing to change to a private school, I found it in the corner of my locker. FML
Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML
Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML
Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML
Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML
Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided he was going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML
Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML
Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML
Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML
Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML
Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML
Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML
Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML
Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML
Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML
Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear 'original' jokes about women drivers from now on. FML
Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML
Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML
Today, I helped an elderly lady put a bookshelf in her car. She then thanked me by hitting me with her car as she drove out of the parking lot. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML
Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML
Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML
Today, in a fit of paranoid hysteria, my mom threw out my phone, claiming the NSA can look through the camera to spy on me. I guess that's why you're still using your own phone to sext your latest boyfriend, eh mom? FML
Today, at work, a woman demanded a refund for a video game. She had no receipt, so due to company policy, I couldn't refund her. She reacted by loudly accusing me of being racist, then yelled that she'd see me in court as she finally stormed out. FML
Today, I tried explaining to my mom how liking her own posts on Facebook wasn't very cool. I later logged in to see she'd added all my friends and posted naked baby pictures of me, captioning them, "Now I don't have to like my own posts." FML
Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML
Today, I lost my car keys, so I asked my ex-husband if he still had his spare to my car. He said he'd send it. I got an empty envelope with a troll face on it. There's a reason I left him. FML
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