Monsieur 28 ans
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML
Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML
Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a workmate, I took a sip of the tea, which I had forgotten was boiling hot, and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML
Today, my sister finally broke down and told me that our dad gambled away of all my college savings, and I would have to pay for school the best way I can. They have known for months, and when I asked why nobody told me, the reply was, "You're a college boy, we thought you would figure it out." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML
Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML
Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML
Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML
Today, my father told me to take the car and get some groceries. An hour and a half later, coming home with the groceries, I see the cops all around my house because my dad had called them, thinking that I had run away and stolen the car. FML
Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML
Today, my roommate stumbled in drunk at 5am with 3 Big Macs, and passed out on the floor after eating them. This happens almost every night. I stay in, study, work, and go to the gym almost everyday. And she still has better grades, a better body, and makes more money than me. FML
Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML
Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML
Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML
Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML
Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML
Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch, but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Françoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Françoise. FML
Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML
Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML
Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glanced over and saw my brother's hot friend, who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then heard my mom say, "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML
Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML
Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says, "What's a pronoun?" FML
Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote, "Cool picture" on his Facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply, "Who the fuck are you?" FML
Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room, he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me, I spread my legs to help out. He then looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML
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