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Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Horror movie

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989." They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

Are you OK?

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store when out of nowhere, a car backing up pretty fast sped down the parking lot and hit me, causing me to fall down and drop all of my groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

Today, I had gone to the store and bought a new wallet. 5 minutes later a security guard asks for my receipt. Turns out I had dropped my receipt. Some guy had picked it up and pretended I had stole his wallet. The guard confiscated my wallet because the guy had "his" receipt to prove it. FML

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Who?

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asked, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouted, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

Surprise!

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

Nice neighborhood

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood, when a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken Spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. I'm a hispanic guy. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "Yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were then escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot." I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML

No cussing

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "Hell". FML

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML