olivercooper

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

Just a kind of magic

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML

Today, my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on 'if you don't pay attention at school, you will fail.' She then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: 'if you don't listen, you will end up like that guy.' That was my dad. FML

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

Today, I was woken up by my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and "Sweet 16" balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I'll be 17. FML

Asshats

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, chocolate, and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss when I accidentally let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML