Today, my boss told me I got my new job because she rejected candidates that seemed "too confident" or "too pretty." FML
Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML
Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML
Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month-old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML
Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML
Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML
Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with, "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML
Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML
Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML
Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML
Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML
Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML
Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML
Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML
Today, my boss asked me if I'd realized that "I support ISIS" was written on the bottom of my water bottle. The bottle was a gift from my dad. FML
Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML
Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML
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