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Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My best friend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

Queasy Lover

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

Nice to see you too

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

Reset my life

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

Thank you for your service

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. It wasn't too bad, until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

Why not both?

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

ADHD brain

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple of seconds later and played video games instead. FML

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Potterheads, man…

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

Mr Floppy

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said, "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

Great timing, dude

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML